Is there I must ask, employing the odd metaphor in doing so, a competition of sorts between the Leicester Mercury and the Daily Mail?
A competition where both participants abase themselves in such a manner, and with a humility, that would by comparison give Uriah Heap the appearance of that old softy, Genghis, the Great Khan of the plains?
A contest in which the abject genuflect, not upon a single knee but on both, thus giving them the stability they require to perform, with all the dignity of a pox ridden crack whore, their unenviable endeavour of which these two are charged. Charged as to see which of the two rivals, can stuff into their soft wet, sticky lipped, servile mouths, the greatest amount of Gerry McCann's cock.
This fawning display of subservience, as contemptible as it is deplorable, is, it would appear, the face of British Journalism today. A face that must be said, fills me with no small amount of disquiet.
Disquiet felt in not dissimilar amounts when, much like yourselves I have no doubt, when I am presented with a report prepared by our elected representatives that I find simply, astonishing.
But I suppose astonishment must be the natural reaction after waking from a twenty year coma, for surely I must have been comatose for such a period and have woken into a world where reality is but a memory, a thing of the past, a world hitherto unknown to me.
A world in which reported only yesterday, having made losses of three point six billion Pounds Sterling, yes billion, a bank is to pay it's employees and fat cats the not too niggardly sum of one point three billion pounds in bonuses.
So not much that is terribly new in what is writ below, and this only taken in part, but rather an example of the type of deep throat techniques practised by our contemptible cocksuckers of the Leicester Mercury.
But it is only upon reading do we discover that the Mercury, no doubt in payment for services rendered, is the recipient of a mutual blowjob, a soixante-neuf perhaps performed by that most ubiquitous of slags, the whore Clarence Mitchell.
So pleased that their fore mentioned oral stimulation of McCann's cock had been rewarded, rewarded by the squalid creature Mitchell no less, so pleased were they in fact, that seemingly it is with pride rather than shame that they publish an account of this mutual obscenity in their own shitty little rag.
I have been rather presumptuous in my interpretation of what constituted the actuality of the Mercury's reward, perhaps not a blowjob at all, perhaps the Mercury were rewarded by being allowed to wallow in Mitchell's foul stream, as he pissed on them with the contempt of which they are so clearly deserving. Perhaps.
MPs Slam Newspapers.. you know the rest
It was impossible to say for certain that untrue articles were written in the Madeleine case as a result of pressure from editors, the MPs concluded.
But they said: "It is, however, clear that the press acted as a pack, ceaselessly hunting out fresh angles where new information was scarce.
"Portugal was also a foreign jurisdiction, where contempt of court laws were unclear, and no consideration was given to how reporting might prejudice any future trial.
"It is our belief that competitive and commercial factors contributed to abysmal standards in the gathering and the publishing of news about the McCann case."
The report said the "exceptionally high" public appetite for such news was "no excuse for such a lowering of standards''.
It said the McCanns' efforts to attract publicity for their search for Madeleine could not conceivably justify, or excuse the publication of inaccurate articles about them.
Gerry McCann gave evidence to the committee in March last year.
Responding to the MPs' report, the McCanns' spokesman, Clarence Mitchell, said: "Both he and Kate will be grateful that his evidence is fairly represented in the final report.
"As Gerry himself said, many newspapers behaved very poorly, and that is why he felt it was important to bring his and Kate's experience to the committee's attention.
"The points that Gerry McCann made to the select committee speak for themselves."
He added: "The problem Kate and Gerry had was with a number of national newspaper titles not the regional press.
"The Mercury's coverage has always been broadly fair and balanced and for that they remain grateful.
"Kate and Gerry are also very grateful for the effort and thought which went into the wristband production and donations.
"Kate and Gerry are very pleased the Mercury continues to support them."
Giving evidence to the committee, Mr McCann described how he and his wife resorted to suing British newspapers for libel because they felt negative stories about them were distracting from efforts to find their daughter.
He said the couple's lawyers advised them against going through the PCC to address their concerns about the reporting of the case.
Mr McCann spoke of how he and his wife struggled to cope with the intense media attention after their daughter went missing from Praia da Luz in Portugal on May 3, 2007.
He said: "Our family have been the focus of some of the most sensationalist, untruthful, irresponsible and damaging reporting in the history of the press."
Mr McCann said he hoped the Express Group libel pay-out had righted the wrong, but added: "I can't say that the damage that's been done has been reversed." if you must
I have never published this before, in truth I haven't the slightest memory of working with such a large canvas, like yourselves I am only familiar with the cropped version.
Nevertheless I shall leave it here, as much for my own inspiration as anything else. That it might yet turn into a rave is not beyond the realms of possibility, given how many potential party goers there could be.