Sunday, 17 January 2010

The 1,000 Day Madeleine McCann Memorial Gala Ball Charity Auction List

1 bag of clothing found at the airport (contents unspecified)

1 box of tissues (never used)

1 blanket (never used)

1 pair of Tanner’s spectacles (never used)

1 pair of luminous ‘Eyehore’ pyjamas (can be seen from 120m away)

1 camera (faulty timing device)

1 ‘Photoshop’ (perfect working order)

1 tape measure (automatically reduces all measurements by half)

1 phrase book (contains only 3 words – ‘ludicrous’, ‘hurtful’, ‘unhelpful’)

1 pad of ‘40 Quiz Night Questions’ (only two answers completed on 9 of the sheets)

1 Bible (just 2 pages marked)

1 Diary (only half the pages missing)

1 bottle of perfume (‘The Scent of Death’)

1 ‘Bedtime Star Chart’ (unfortunately starless)

1 child’s hair bead (all hair very, very, very carefully removed)

2 ‘Cuddle Cats’ (1 old called ‘CC’, 1 new called anything but ‘Mohammed’)

1 ton of Madeleine’s favourite cuddly toy (Auntie Phil)

1 butterfly (a ‘Red Amaral’)

1 barn owl (sorry, that’s a catalogue misprint and should read ‘barn towel’)

1 nanny (ideal for the kids)

1 scapegoat (ideal for the nanny)

500 red herrings (all overcooked)

1 bag of rotting meat (well, turkeys may be scarce this Christmas)

1 bag of dirty nappies (NOT leak proof ‘Pampers’)

50 drums of ‘Calpol’ (perfect for a quiet Christmas)

50 spare drums of cleaning fluid (works on everything but stains on character)

1 washing machine (worn out)

1 ‘Orange’ mobile phone (right out of juice)

1 window shutter (as new)

1 fridge (two cold frosty owners)

500 matching sets of his/her co-ordinated outfits (only sold as sets – no divorced items)

2 doctors’ white coats (hardly worn)

1 complete SAS outfit (could be exchanged for 1 ‘Action Man’ figure)

1 damaged Achilles tendon (perfect for the vulnerable)

1 well used tennis racket (no good for ‘serving time’)

100,000,000,000 wrist bands (could be exchanged for 2 pairs of handcuffs)

NB 1 forensic manual ‘Leaving No Stone Unturned’ (sorry, item no longer available - stolen by someone in the FSS)

Alas I cannot claim authorship of this list, it was compiled in 2007 by "swannie," and it is to him I doff my cap.