1 bag of clothing found at the airport (contents unspecified)
1 box of tissues (never used)
1 blanket (never used)
1 pair of Tanner’s spectacles (never used)
1 pair of luminous ‘Eyehore’ pyjamas (can be seen from 120m away)
1 camera (faulty timing device)
1 ‘Photoshop’ (perfect working order)
1 tape measure (automatically reduces all measurements by half)
1 phrase book (contains only 3 words – ‘ludicrous’, ‘hurtful’, ‘unhelpful’)
1 pad of ‘40 Quiz Night Questions’ (only two answers completed on 9 of the sheets)
1 Bible (just 2 pages marked)
1 Diary (only half the pages missing)
1 bottle of perfume (‘The Scent of Death’)
1 ‘Bedtime Star Chart’ (unfortunately starless)
1 child’s hair bead (all hair very, very, very carefully removed)
2 ‘Cuddle Cats’ (1 old called ‘CC’, 1 new called anything but ‘Mohammed’)
1 ton of Madeleine’s favourite cuddly toy (Auntie Phil)
1 butterfly (a ‘Red Amaral’)
1 barn owl (sorry, that’s a catalogue misprint and should read ‘barn towel’)
1 nanny (ideal for the kids)
1 scapegoat (ideal for the nanny)
500 red herrings (all overcooked)
1 bag of rotting meat (well, turkeys may be scarce this Christmas)
1 bag of dirty nappies (NOT leak proof ‘Pampers’)
50 drums of ‘Calpol’ (perfect for a quiet Christmas)
50 spare drums of cleaning fluid (works on everything but stains on character)
1 washing machine (worn out)
1 ‘Orange’ mobile phone (right out of juice)
1 window shutter (as new)
1 fridge (two cold frosty owners)
500 matching sets of his/her co-ordinated outfits (only sold as sets – no divorced items)
2 doctors’ white coats (hardly worn)
1 complete SAS outfit (could be exchanged for 1 ‘Action Man’ figure)
1 damaged Achilles tendon (perfect for the vulnerable)
1 well used tennis racket (no good for ‘serving time’)
100,000,000,000 wrist bands (could be exchanged for 2 pairs of handcuffs)
NB 1 forensic manual ‘Leaving No Stone Unturned’ (sorry, item no longer available - stolen by someone in the FSS)
Alas I cannot claim authorship of this list, it was compiled in 2007 by "swannie," and it is to him I doff my cap.
